


Reconciliation

by LadyoftheWoods



Series: Dark Side Logan [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ambition!Logan, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Logic | Logan Sanders is a Dark Side, Mentions of other sides, Sympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, mild panic attack, past self harm reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:47:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24029101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyoftheWoods/pseuds/LadyoftheWoods
Summary: Virgil has a talk with Deceit.
Series: Dark Side Logan [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725013
Comments: 5
Kudos: 268





	Reconciliation

**Author's Note:**

> No actual appearance by Cygnus in this one, but i felt like these two needed their own moment to try and move forward.

He sighs, hanging his hat up on his coat rack, slinging off his capelet, carefully hanging it up so it won’t wrinkle, flopping down into his desk chair with an exhausted groan. 

It has been a long day. 

Patton came by, at Cygnus’s request, and they all just… talked. It was a bit strange, having a civil conversation with Patton. He could see Patton stopping himself from interrupting or saying something immediately dismissive just because his gut instinct was to go no, wrong, disagree. He could see Patton forcing himself to think past his first impulse when something was said that he disagreed with, thinking twice before he said anything. 

It was… odd. It felt odd, being listened to, like that, by Morality, of all people. But it went well. Remus was his usual boisterous self, which helped cover some of his own awkward unsureness, and, once again, Patton handled it extremely well. He blushed and winced at Remus’s lewd comments, sure, but he didn’t scold or berate him for them, instead trying to simply move on from them or, in some cases, digging deeper, understanding what Remus was actually trying to say but couldn’t find the words for. 

It was impressive, really, how hard Patton had tried. How much he listened. How careful he was with his words and his actions, trying to understand better their own roles, how he could help ease them into the group, help reintroduce them to Thomas, help them get a seat at the table. 

He was surprised, too, at Patton’s intentions. Because everything Patton had said was sincere, about wanting to help, wanting to understand, wanting to work together. But Cygnus had told him later, after Patton had left, what his intentions had been. 

Part of it was trying to earn back Cygnus’s trust, yes, and Cygnus leaving is what had sparked Patton’s interest at all. But that was more like a catalyst, than the true intent, which was simply that Patton was tired of people getting hurt. 

He was tired of hurting people, he was tired of leaving people out, he was tired of all this dark side, light side business, he was tired of fighting with people who wanted the same things he did, even if they chose vastly different methods, he just wanted everyone to be okay, and happy, and cared about, no matter what the end result looked like. 

He sighs again, running his hands through his hair. Only Patton would have intentions that pure, of course, and as naïve as that kind of thinking seems to him, he knows Patton is willing to give his all, his everything, to make right all the wrongs he had done them. 

“hey.” He practically jumps five feet into the air at the quiet voice, spinning the chair around so fast it gives him whiplash, hand pressed over his hammering heart. 

“Virgil, I was completely expecting you to be lurking in the shadows of my room, didn’t nearly scare me to death.” He deadpans, and Virgil snorts, a smile flicking across his face, and for a moment it’s like nothing has changed. 

Then Virgil looks down, fiddling with his hoodie, his new hoodie, his purple patched hoodie, and he leans back in his chair, steepling his hands in front of his face, inhaling deeply to keep himself from freaking out. 

“sorry. About, startling you. I just… you weren’t here so I decided to just wait for you to get back.” Virgil mumbles, and he tilts his head, unable to get a read on what exactly Virgil is doing here, with him, of all places. 

“Not that I’m not pleased to see you but… what exactly are you doing here?” Virgil flinches, though he didn’t mean it cruelly, and starts biting at his lip, nervous tension radiating off of him.

“I… I know Patton talked to you guys. And… and he’s trying to work out some stuff with you. To… to help, get you accepted, and stuff.” He stiffens, hardening himself, because he knows that Virgil, of all people, will be against this, and he is ready for whatever threats or insults are hurled his way, he can keep it together now, even if it breaks him later. “so I… I thought we should… should talk, too. I… this is dumb, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here, I should just go.” Virgil heaves out, and starts getting up, and for a moment he is too stunned to respond. 

“virgil. Wait. It’s not. Stupid, it’s not stupid, I mean. I… if you want to talk.” He’s lightly grabbed Virgil by the wrist, stopping him halfway to the door, and he quickly pulls back his hand, wincing at his own mistake. But Virgil just shuffles his feet, nodding once, before collapsing back on top of the bed, hood flipped up, knees pulled to his chest, bangs hiding his face as he takes a deep breath. Slowly, he scoots his chair a bit closer, only a foot between them. 

“I… haven’t been fair, to you, or Remus. I… I know we fought, before I left, and we both said some stuff, but I… I know I didn’t mean even half of what I said. But I was too stubborn and stupid and… and prideful to apologize or admit I was wrong. So I bottled it all up, and I… I took it out on you, whenever you showed up, because I was ashamed of myself, for saying it all, at all, for… for just leaving you, after everything and I” Virgil took a shaking breath, trying to steady himself, “Hated… hated myself for it, even as I was doing it, I hate myself for doing that to you, I hate myself for misrepresenting the two of you to Thomas, I hate myself for leaving, I hate that it took… took this, for me to have the fucking nerve to actually apologize!” Virgil exclaims, voice breaking. 

He inhales a sharp breath, realizing Virgil’s eyeshadow has darkened to nearly pitch black, is starting to run down his face, making his tears look black. Virgil buries his head against his knees, arms wrapped tight around them. 

“I’m sorry.” Virgil mumbles, shakily. “I wanted to fit in, with them, so I acted like I hated you, so they wouldn’t hate me, and I should have stood up for you guys, but I didn’t, I was afraid, and I don’t… I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Tempest tongue slips out as Virgil curls tighter, hands tangling in his hair. “A decent person would have stood up for you. You raised me, you took care of me, and I just left, I just left and then didn’t give you any explanation for why I suddenly hated you, and it wasn’t fair and it isn’t and I don’t hate you, I never did, I just hate myself, because who does something like that?! What kind of terrible, shitty person just turns on everyone they love for someone else’s stupid approval? And just keeps doing it over and over and over again even though I hated myself for it, even though it made everything worse, and I wanted to stop, I want to scream, I want to shatter, because I’m just a monster that keeps on hurting you.” 

He can hear Virgil’s breathing from here, rasping and unsteady as he tugs at his hair. He doesn’t have to see Virgil’s face to know that dark, black lines will be creeping across it as his own anxiety worsens, slipping him back and back into the darkness of his own mind, back into paranoia. He can’t remember the last time he’s seen Virgil get this bad, it must have been when he was new and still trying to control himself, and it scares him, to feel how much loathing Virgil is holding for his own self. 

It scares him, because he’s felt it before, and he knows what it leads to.

“Virgil. I need you to breathe, darling.” He keeps his voice steady, though his own alarm is just below the surface, trying to unpack everything that Virgil had said. 

“can’t, I can’t, I…” Virgil chokes out. Instantly, he is slipping out of his chair and onto the bed beside Virgil, slow and careful as he reaches up, disentangling Virgil’s hands from his hair before he can hurt himself, rubbing circles on his knuckles. 

“I’m going to do the counting thing, ok? Join in whenever you can.” He sees Virgil manage a nod, which is good, it means he can still hear him, as he starts to count. After several long fits and starts, his breathing seems to be evening out. When Virgil finally looks up at him, eyeshadow smudged all over his face, he looks nothing but tired and broken and devastated, in a way he feels all too familiar with. 

“Vee…” he doesn’t say anything more, he doesn’t know what else to say. Instead he opens his arms, and Virgil barely hesitates before he launches into them, burrowing into his shirt, gasping out broken sobs as he rubs his back and shushes him gently, assuring him over and over that everything is going to be ok, everything is going to be alright. He doesn’t know if it’s true, but he wants it to be. 

“I know you don’t always lie, I know that’s not all you do, I know you just want to protect Thomas, I know you always do what you think is best for him, I know you care about us, all of us, too, I know you always do your best for us, even when we don’t appreciate it, I know you’re more than just Deceit, so much more, and I’m… I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Dee…” Virgil trails off, curling tighter against him, and he can feel him trembling. 

“I’m sorry too, Virgil. I wasn’t kind, either. I taunted and belittled you because I was hurt and angry. We’re… we’re both just a couple of petty bitches, aren’t we?” He smiles just a bit as Virgil lets out a shaky bark of laughter against his chest, clinging to him tighter, which he hadn’t known was even possible. 

He lets it go on a moment longer before he pulls back, gently disentangling Virgil from around him, tilting his chin up so they are face to face, though Virgil avoids his eyes. Because Virgil is telling nothing but truths. About everything. Which is good, but a bit concerning, given some of his statements. 

“Vee. Look at me, darling.” It seems to take a monumental effort on Virgil’s part, but after a long moment, he lifts his eyes, just barely meeting his for the most fleeting of moments. “it’s ok to be not ok. But you need to reach out, you need to tell someone, so they can help before it goes too far. You need to take a break.” 

“I’m telling you. Does that count?” Virgil asks smally, arms wrapping around himself. He huffs and fumbles around on the bed, finding his weighted blanket after a moment and settles it around Virgil’s shoulders. Virgil immediately pulls it tighter around him, some of the tension leaking out of his shoulders at the weight, though he is still hunched over himself. 

“Barely, considering we haven’t really spoken in years.” He regrets his words as Virgil flinches against them, tugging the blanket closer. 

“that’s fair.” Virgil whispers, a sad smile settling across his face. 

“no it isn’t, Vee. I should have come to you, after you left, I should have tried to talk to you, but I let my own pride get in the way, too.” 

“nothing’s ever been fair for you, Dee. I should have helped even out the odds.” 

“Look, we can sit here wallowing in past mistakes and misery all day, feeding off each other until we’re both just sad,” He pulls a face at that, making Virgil snort, “or we can do something fun and distracting, because neither of us is good at all this… guilt and negative emotion stuff.” 

“Dude, I’m literally anxiety, guilt and negative emotions are my whole shtick.” He folds his arms and looks sternly at Virgil. 

“Handling and processing them for Thomas is your ‘shtick’. Directing it all at yourself is unhealthy.” Virgil shrugs, looking away. 

“might have gone a bit downhill without you. You… you were always better at helping me manage than anyone else. I… haven’t really been managing, recently.” 

“You haven’t-“ 

“no. Not… I’ve thought about it, a l-lot. Specially after Logan. I… I was too wrapped up in my own shit to be there for him, a-and I’m glad you guys are. I s-saw him the other day, for just a m-moment and he looked good. Like, b-better than I’ve ever seen him. and I kn-know that’s good, but…” 

“but it feels like it’s all on you. And you feel guilty for not being there.” Virgil nods, face crumpling as he closes his eyes against the wave of guilt and shame and loathing that washes over him. 

“I c-c-came so cl-close Dee. I h-had the kn-knife in m-m-my h-hand.” He doesn’t hesitate, scooping Virgil back onto his lap, into his arms. 

“Oh, darling, darling, darling. But you didn’t. I know how hard that is, to be so close and then not. I know how much it must hurt, inside, if you got so close to doing that. But I’m proud of you, I’m so proud, that you didn’t.” 

“’m s-sorry. I sh-shouldn’t be unloading all this o-on you. N-not after being so cr-cruel for so long, f-f-for no reason, y-you shouldn’t h-ave to touch me, y-you shouldn’t h-have to care…” 

“I don’t have to care, darling, but I choose to. I choose to care that you’re hurting yourself, that you’re tearing yourself apart for nothing, and I won’t sit by and just watch it happen until you do decide to tear yourself apart physically, as well. You left, because you thought it would be best for you, just like Ambition left, because he thought it would be best for him.” He’s running a hand through Virgil’s hair, Virgil biting his lip as he looks down at his lap. 

“W-was he right? W-was I? I d-don’t know anymore, Dee, I d-don’t know h-how to be wh-what anyone n-needs, I j-just get it the way, I j-just ruin things. I d-don’t know how to b-be ok, anymore.” Virgil mumbles the last sentence, and his heart softens a little more, because Virgil has slipped so far backwards. It seems Ambition isn’t the only one whose self care is being neglected over on the Light Side. 

“I know. And that’s ok, Virgil. You just go one day at a time, until, without you even realizing, the pain starts to hurt a little less, and a little less, until one day you wake up and it’s just an old ache where an open wound used to be. You know we will all help you get there, you must know Patton would drop everything in an instant if you told him how you feel, you must know Roman would do everything and anything to make you happy. You must know that Remus would still die for your smile, that I still love you, that Ambition just wants what’s best for everyone.” Virgil shakes his head, staring off into the distance for a moment. 

“That’s not the problem. I… I know that, I do, I just… I don’t deserve,” Virgil’s voice cracks, and he shivers, “I don’t deserve their help. I don’t deserve yours. I sure as hell don’t deserve anything from Ambition. I deserve to hurt, I deserve to do this alone, I deserve to let myself get torn apart.” He lets out a small sound of hurt, forcing Virgil to look at him, eyes wet with his own tears. 

“no. Virgil, no. Trying to go it alone is how we all ended up like this in the first place. It doesn’t matter if you believe you deserve it or not, you have my love, you have my support, and you have my help, even if I have to force feed it to you, you have my help. Don’t you dare for a second think otherwise.” He states firmly, making sure Virgil sees the sincerity in his eyes, the truth in them, before he lets go, Virgil slumping against him with an exhausted sigh. 

“Is anything ever gonna be ok ever again?” 

“yes. Not soon, not even in a year, maybe, with the mess of things everyone’s made, but eventually, yes. Everything will be ok.” He murmurs, kissing the top of Virgil’s head, who snuggles closer to him, and he brings his arms around the exhausted side, hugging him close with all of his extra arms. 

“I missed this. I missed you. I-“ 

“I know, darling. I did too.”

“Dee? Are… are we ok? I… I want us to be ok.” He smiles, pressing another kiss to Virgil’s head at the smallness of his voice, feeling his own tears starting fall, his own voice stuck in his throat for a moment. 

“yes. I can promise you that, Virgil. We’re ok. And I’m going to make sure that you’re ok.” He replies, holding his baby just a little tighter, until he falls asleep. 

Things are a mess. They’re all messes, at the moment. But he knows he’s right, knows he has to trust his own words. Eventually, they will all be ok. It will take time, but he will help make sure of it. 

“it’s going to be ok.”


End file.
